Barbara Hales
Counselling Services
Kendal, South Lakes, Cumbria

Continuing the theme from last month… You might want to clarify your thoughts on where to live, or whether to risk a career-change.
Form a question in your mind, for example:
What shall I do for a holiday this year?
Visualise various possibilities, using each of your senses in turn to build up as vivid and detailed a scene as you can. You are lying on a sandy beach feeling warm/gritty sand, the smell of the sea/ rotting seaweed, the sound of the waves/gulls…
Then you are in a city centre, surrounded by people and hearing the sounds of many voices and traffic, seeing advertisments for attractions shows and products….
You are on a hillside track, surrounded by open moors and hills, alone or with companions; it is a sunny/wet day and you feel…
Now imagine being told you CANNOT have a holiday in each of your locations. How do you react? Are you relieved or disappointed?

Next month I’ll look at decision making, using a house move as example.

Do you wonder what the day ahead is going to be like? Mild and spring-like one minute, cold gusts of winds the next. Recent natural events in Australia and New Zealand have been followed by political upheavals in north Africa. Undeterred, the plants keep on sending out their fragile shoots and leaves. We also need to keep on steadily whatever is going on around us. Sometimes it helps to make a special time to look back, look forward, look within and look around. Ask yourself: Where have I come from? Where am I going? What experiences am I bringing with me? What difference can I make in the bit of the world that is my ‘home?’
Many faith traditions have a special time such as Lent for reflections, rather like a personal spring cleaning. Writing down your thoughts as they arise, perhaps in an attractive spring notebook, helps them to develop.

How would you like to save travel time and costs? Have you thought about trying telephone consultation or supervision? I am in the process of moving from Devon to the Lake District, so would welcome the opportunity to provide supervision/consultation by phone in a way that will suit us both.
It would be great if we can meet face to face at some stage, or how about Skype? If you think this might suit you then contact me for a chat without any obligation. I’m looking forward to your call.

Yes its that time of year again, when we make resolutions that we half expect to break before summer. This year, how about using this month as planning time to reassess what you’ll resolve next month?
Ask yourself: Why do I want to achieve this goal? How will I benefit?

Goals that are rigid may be broken, with a sense of failure and giving up.
Goals that are flexible and achievable spur us on with simple success.

If your resolution is to eat sensibly after Christmas feasting, then picture yourself cutting down on nibbles and snacks. Visualise yourself eating only at mealtimes as far as you can, and getting back to your plan after a lapse.
Set yourself just two chocolate-free days a week, say Tuesdays and Thursdays.

If your resolution is to save money this year, then put a £1 coin aside every time you go shopping.

Write down your resolution in a positive way, and in the present.
For example, I save £1 whenever I go shopping. (It works better than saying I will stop spending so much.)
Try it for your own resolutions, and see.

A happy new year.

Do you remember a TV programme about a group of people who agreed to live for a year on a remote Scottish island? There were no shops, and no internet access, so in December they decided to make a present for every other member of the group. When the presents were eventually exchanged on Christmas day, there were shouts of delight as the simple gifts were unwrapped. Gifts had been made with creative imagination, and the gift of time. Everyone declared it was the best Christmas ever.

We can give our presence as our presents. Our company and time are precious gifts – from ‘Mummy will you play with me?, or Uncle can you show me how to…? You might babysit for a busy couple, or invite a neighbour to join you for a meal or a walk in the snow. You might go and play a game of Scrabble or look through old photos which will encourage an elderly person to recall busy younger days.

Have a peaceful time this Christmas, wherever you are.

I was chatting with a group of women the other day, and someone said ‘Of course MEN never come to talk things through with a counsellor.’ I was surprised, because my very first client was a man, and now, twenty odd years later, I have more men than women among my clients. Men may prefer to think through issues that trouble them in the confidential space that a counsellor offers. Just saying things out loud with someone as witness can be helpful in making sense of situations, revealing old patterns and providing an opportunity to see a way through a dilemma.
Sometimes people use counselling rather like a gym – getting into shape with relationships and emotions, and staying that way.
All this holds true for women too. You might think of giving it a try for yourself sometime.

How might you discover your own goals? Ask yourself a few questions and jot down your answers. See if there is a pattern.
What are you doing when you are totally absorbed? (Often these are focussed things: reading, playing a game, walking, singing)
What do you enjoy doing, so that it doesn’t seem like work? (keeping accounts for your club, decorating a room, growing your own fruit and veg)
What interests you so you’d like to find out more? (often, developing the way you do the things you’ve just listed)
What are your skills? Do you want to improve your game, jog further without tiring, learn new ways of painting?
What motivates you to get out of bed in the morning? (It might be easier to get up early to go on holiday than to go to work!)
When are you happy and contented – with others or alone, indoors or outside?
What area of your life is on your mind at present? Write down one clear goal for yourself in this area, starting with ‘I Will….’ and remember the SMART guide from last month.

September and change is in the air. A good time to look ahead and dream of where you would like to be by the end of this year. One tip to make those hopes more real is to make them SMART:
S – specific
Create a clear idea of what you want to achieve
(I will learn to speak Italian for next summer’s holiday)
M – measurable
How will you know when you have arrived? (I will be able to order a meal)
A – achievable
How can you make it happen? What is the first step?
(Look in local library to see what’s available)
R – resources
(language classes, books, DVDs)
T – time framed
(I can manage to do that by the end of the year)

What is YOUR hope?
If you are not sure or feel stuck, join me next month to find out how you can discover a clear goal.

Do you share my experience that sometimes we long for space, quiet, even normal routine while away on holiday? There is a strong expectation that it will be fun 24/7, which is unrealistic when you think of the changes we are managing – different time tables, different weather, different food, different clothes, constant company (friends especially can find total together time a strain); being alone and missing friends; being with people we have not chosen to be with. We are also thrown on our own resources – it is up to us how we spend our free time, without the routine structure of work or home to guide us.

There are ways to reduce the strain of being together all the time. Agree in advance to have time alone – perhaps one go shopping while another has a massage, or one looks after the children while the other has a sleep. That gives the children a refreshing change of adult carer too. Simply lowering our expectations, so that the holiday becomes an enjoyable change from routine; remembering one simple thing we liked at the end of each day – a smile, a new taste, a different sound.

Have a refreshing break, in whatever way you can arrange.

One of my regular blog readers sent a message: ‘Where are you? I looked at your website today and was disappointed to find nothing new’.
Ah! I thought – there was the blog I’d nearly posted after the World Cup/Wimbledon events…and the blog I intended to write at the start of the holiday season…but never quite got round to posting….and I couldn’t move on to the next thing either. Stuck!
Maybe we all need a gentle push from someone else to get us through a stuck place. It doesn’t have to be perfect – just doing it and completing it will be good enough to be useful and free us up to move on to the next thing. So watch this space for that holiday post……